so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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