doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I currently don't understand fingers.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
