btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
