fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
