New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
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