girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
