Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
