im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
