I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
