Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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