I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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