i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
