I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
