i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
