wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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