I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
