Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
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We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
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Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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