And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
