:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
