I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
