Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
