i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
