My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
