sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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