she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
