dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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