what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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