I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
