That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
