Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
