awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
