did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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