Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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