I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.