I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
