So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
this just has baby written all over it
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
