come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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