Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
