How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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