you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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