Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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