I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
