BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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