he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
