It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
