Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
