My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
