I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
