capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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