My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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