drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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