you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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