shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
