On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize