at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
