Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
